Friday, April 17, 2009

Clipping for Cleavage



My front is not well-adorned. It never will be without resorting to surgery or wearing a hot, sweaty, padded bra. I have yet to answer a seedy ad in the back pages of a magazine offering enhancement.

Despite a lack of rack, you can fake a cleavage line with chest muscles. Building muscle may not create more actual boob, but it beefs up the line down the center giving the “illusion of boob.” Instead of running to the gym to squeeze a weight machine with my elbows, I clip bushes. I clip shrubs too. The forward chopping motion works the chest muscles. Pruning a hedge develops d├ęcolletage and shapes the hedge at the same time. When I pick up my long shears each spring, I wink at my husband and tell him I’m going clipping for cleavage.

In general, wait to try pectoral pruning until after a shrub has flowered. Don’t choose to chop most Hydrangeas or they won’t flower well next year. Look up your bush in a book before you clip to make sure to do it right.
Photo by my mum Susan

2 comments:

  1. Look at your bush in a book? I don't think I have any of those books.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm glad my humor was not lost on you. :) I have more freedom with my jokes on a blog than I do when writing for the newspaper.

    ReplyDelete